I'm proud that I look at the world in a different way

I can recall my time in Italy in 2008. I was 13 at that time and went to Italy for a week with school. I go to a mainstrem high school, but I still have autism in me. Yes, it's lifelong. But the Other Children don't see a child who can't relate with the Real World in me: they see Gemma; a shy, but intellgent girl who doesn't get into trouble. But I don't think they would want to see me when I'm upset or angry. They'd probably get scared.

Anyway I went to Italy for a week with school. It was the first time I went without my family. It was my first time in a different country, in a hotel and skiing. I can remember going to the coach, outside my school, hugging my family goodbye. I can remember putting my suitcase with the others. I cried for about ten minutes of the coach trip. The Other Children comforted me.

About two hours later, we arrived at the airport in Liverpool. It was bright and not so busy. I liked it. I bought sweets for the journey and opened my Everton sweets that Grandad gave me, so I could chew them when I was on the plane.

I got on a plane for the first time next to a girl in my class. We stayed on that plane for two hours and I had a headache. I hate things touching my head, so I leant forward to stop my head hurting. Headaches aren't really things that touch your head, but I still hate them. I had minestrone soup, but it was disgusting.

We arrived at Milan (that's a place in Italy, obviously) and we went to our hotel during the night. I saw strange places I call Dracula's Holiday Home (a huge house with light pointing at it); 60s Disco Old People Home (a house with bright, wavy colours with old people in it), the Iron Man (a sculpture of a man made out of metal), alien trees (trees that were oddly shaped) and the Never-Ending Mountain. We drove up the Never-Ending Mountain which the Other Children thought was scary. I don't know why. Maybe because it was dark and the driver couldn't speak English.

We arrived at a hotel which was just 23 metres away from the skiing resort. I entered the hotel with three girls called Heather, Jessica and Ella. We shared a room together. We got our room number: 104. Instantly the smell of the room made me upset and I cried. I missed my family already. I called my mum, who told me she would call me every day day to help my stress levels. She also told me not to keep locking and unlocking my suitcase. But I did it not knowing it.

The Other Children, the teachers and I all went downstairs to eat something before we went to bed. But I was too unsettled to eat. I felt like heaving, so I had water and a tangerine. That's all I had for tea. Then we all went to bed.

The next day, which was Sunday, we started skiiing. We all had to wear helmets to protect our heads, but I didn't like it. During skiing, my head was throbbing. The instructor told me to stop acting weird. I told him that I was autistic, but he still started to act horrible to me. He wore shades, so I couldn't see his eyes. Therefore he was a stranger.

We had dinner and then had another two-hour lesson. It became a routine and I liked it very much.

On Monday, on the second lesson, I was sitting next to a girl called Hayley on a ski lift when I felt out of control. We were skiing without our sticks which made me very upset. I was breathing heavily, my vision was blurry despite having my glasses on and I started to choke. I saw strange objects floating in the sky. I was fainting. I said to Hayley, 'Hayley, I'm going to faint.' She told me to stay concious, but I couldn't help it. I had to go.

I woke up lying on the snow, surrounded by strangers. I'm terrified of strangers, so I had a panic attack. I was sent to the nearby first aid centre and I was checked. It was a simple faint and my blood pressure was too high for my own good. I walked back to the hotel with Mr Allmond.

Over the next few days, skiing lessons became harder to like. The skiing instructor was a stranger to me, so I didn't allow him to go anywhere near me, I'd shout at him if he tried to help me at the wrong times and if I went too fast I wouldn't listen to him. Because of my fainting accident, he lost my sticks. I had to use his until the Polish Woman Who Helps Children Ski gave me sticks on Friday. I began to trust her. During those few days, I made friends and began to understand Italian life and cuisine. I understood the Other Children's ways of life. Most of them swear, but I don't care.

On Wednesday, the skiing instructor had to leave early, so another instructor decided to take us up the mountain to ski down. We had to go up the drag lift (a machine which pulls you up the mountain). I fell off and went up the drag lft again. But I couldn't find my group. I was lost. I fell off again and hid myself near a fence. People laughed and pointed at me which made me cry harder. Then I saw Mr Gross and the Polish Woman Who Helps Children Ski. They helped me put my skis back on and I skiied down the mountain with them. I fell once, but I laughed. Mr Gross smiled. I was reunited with the Other Children and they all cheered. I smiled like the Cheshire cat.

It was the same day when someone asked me why I acted differently to them. I closed the door and told them I was autistic. What's to hide? I'm autistic and that's the truth. Why deny something that's true and a part of me? I explained more to them. I told them about my no sense of danger, difficulty in socialising and so on. They understood and after that, they became more sensitive.

On Friday, it was the race. I was seventh and got a certificate. Then we were given awards. First I should tell you that we were put into groups at the beginning of the trip and Mr Gross was my group leader. Each group leader had to choose one person from their group who did very well on the trip and the winner got a medal for it. Mr Gross said his moving speech:

"If I had a medal for everyone in this group, I would give everyone it. But because there is only one, I had to make a choice. This person deserves this medal because she was always cheerful at the hardest times, she never misbehaved, she cared for everyone and NO ONE knew how she would deal with this trip. That person is Gemma."

I won a medal! I felt confident to go to the disco. I don't like discos because of the loud noise and flashing lights. But I went and I enjoyed myself.

The next day, we went back home again. I hugged my mum and family before actually eating something properly. I found out I lost weight during that trip.

I learnt a lesson about accepting who I am. I wanted to be normal, but now I'm proud being autistic. The support I have from my friends and family made me Gemma. I'm proud that I look at the world in a different way. That's what makes me special.

By Gemma Rothwell

N.B. The views in this section are offered as the personal views of the contributor. This account should not be read a generalisation of others' situations and does not necessarily reflect the views of The National Autistic Society.